Staring into my past
Bumping into someone from high school on Capitol Hill
I very rarely get shocked. But something nearly knocked my socks off a couple of weeks ago.
The last time I was absolutely stunned was sometime during the pandemic my freshman year of high school. My friend and I were running around the woods near her house in suburban Chicagoland. Thick in the woods, I saw a garter snake, turned around, and nearly ran my friend over getting away from it.
As it turns out, garter snakes are almost completely harmless.
But, essentially, the last time I was absolutely stunned was a while ago.
A few weeks ago, I was in the Senate basement waiting to question senators passing by when I thought I saw someone from high school. I could not confirm, but I posted the following anyway:
“I developed a new fear today because it actually happened: seeing someone from your high school on Capitol Hill.”
My high school experience was pretty terrible. The pandemic shut everything down my freshman year. Sophomore year we were every other day with constantly changing government and school restrictions. In my junior year we wore masks then took them off halfway through the year. Senior year was the only normal year, but I was counting the days until graduation.
For some more context, I went to strict college-prepatory Catholic high school where students were expected to conform with the community. Although I was a rule-follower of the dress code and using bathroom passes, I did not conform to the community’s expectations of what it meant to be a student at our school. Therefore, I was severely picked on by students, teachers, and a campus minister.
I was cyberbullied online by a close friend, the same one I had been with when I saw the garter snake years earlier. A college counselor discouraged me from applying to universities she thought were out of reach. I spent four years feeling like I was constantly being told I was not the right student or person.
Day in and day out, I was discouraged about or picked on for being myself. I had panic attacks two to three times a week and cried myself to sleep every night.
But worse of all, I was stuck. I felt I had no control over my situation which was difficult.
Washington has taught me plenty of difficult lessons, but unlike high school, I now have the freedom to choose the people I surround myself with. Maybe that is why seeing someone from that period of my life felt so jarring.
Anyway, the next week, I was back standing in the Senate basement chatting to my colleague waiting for senators. It was quite the day so far as we saw Babydog Justice, a teenage girl totally freak out over the sight of Senator Cory Booker, and a giant tree carted through towards the Capitol Visitor Center all in the span of 15 minutes.
But suddenly, the girl from high school approached and interrupted my conversation with my colleague to say hello.
I stared at her, wide-eyed. Every difficult memory I associated with high school came rushing back.
Now, I have absolutely nothing against this girl. She was friendly, and kindly reminded me we knew each other from German class we took for four years together. We had a few other classes together and friends in the same circle.
When she asked what I was doing here, as in reference to Capitol Hill, I thought she was asking why I was in Washington, D.C. to which I said I moved there three years ago.
She said it was really great and congratulated me on moving. She smiled, said she would see me around, and walked away.
Social situations have never come naturally to me. Due to my autism, I sometimes misunderstand what people are asking or respond in ways I wish I could take back. For example, sometimes when someone gives me a compliment at times I say, “I know,” instead of the standard “thank you.” And in my brain, I think “oops” every time.
But anyway, for a moment I felt like I was staring into my past. A part of me which I did not want to return to and that is why I felt so shocked.
It was like being confronted with a snake, but like the garter snake she is completely harmless.
Since this interaction happened a while ago, I have been doing some reflecting and have been wondering about the following question: Why do our brains confuse reminders of painful experiences with actual danger?
Most snakes are not interested in hurting us at all. But our brains do not stop to make that calculation before telling us to run.
If we see someone from an unhappy era in our life, we also think the same. We should run away. I find both situations can unnecessarily trigger a flight or fight response in our bodies.
Maybe growing up is not eliminating irrational fears. Maybe it is learning to question them before letting them decide how you respond. The girl from my high school was not the difficult memories I associated with that period of my life. She was another person walking through the Senate basement, saying hello.
But like the garter snake years earlier, she was never the danger I imagined.
I later followed-up my tweet/X post with the following:
“A brief update on seeing someone from high school on Capitol Hill. She approached me and was very cordial. My fear is no more.”
Filed Stories are the personal essays of Maggie Rhoads. On this Substack, she does not represent the opinions or stances of her past, present, or future employers and organizations of which she is a member.
