Between now and the answer
What almost needing emergency eye surgery taught me
Last week, I had quite a health scare at the eye doctor.
I have been having some vision issues, particularly in the bottom right of my line of vision. I kept seeing very long yet squiggly clear lines appear and drop down on lighter surfaces. I thought this could be an early sign of cataracts, so at my last eye appointment I expressed my concern.
I wanted to make sure everything was all right. This is because I was going back home to Chicago the next weekend. The weekend after, I am traveling to Peru, including Machu Picchu and the Amazon rainforest, for two weeks. I would either be out of town or out of the country for quite some time away from my primary care doctors.
My doctor looked at me very sternly and said this could be serious.
A sudden increase of floaters, or what I was seeing, can signal a retinal tear, a medical condition occurring when the gel inside one’s eye pulls on the retina, or the light-sensitive layer inside the eye, making a small rip. Or it could possibly be a retinal detachment, a serious medical emergency where the retina pulls away from its normal position.
Uh oh.
The doctor’s assistant took a scan of my eyeball to examine the front of my eye, but there was no tear or detachment. This meant the tear or detachment could be in the back of my eye so they needed to dilate my eye. If they found a tear or detachment, I would need to go to a retinal specialist to have a laser or another form of emergency eye surgery to fix it.
Double uh oh.
Even worse, I was the last appointment of the day so they could not dilate my eyes then. I made an appointment for the next day at 12:15 p.m.
Therefore, I had overnight to think about the outcome.
After the appointment, I got in a Lyft going back to my apartment. I could have walked, but I had an important professional event later the same night I needed to get ready for. I called my parents in the car.
What if I had to cancel my trip home and to Peru I have planned for months?
How long would the recovery from the surgery be?
Would I have to cut my current internship short?
But, in all honesty, I found myself not caring about these outcomes and thinking about what Jordans I would match with what blazer at my professional event. During the event, I did not think at all about the possibilities if I needed the surgery because I was focused on making connections.
After my event, I went home and looked up the potential procedure. Recovery involved wearing an eye patch on the affected eye for a set period of time.
I was quite excited at the prospect of wearing an eye patch for a little bit. I practiced my “arrr” in the mirror and thought about all the pirate jokes I could make with my colleagues and friends. Additionally, I sent the new distorted face emoji to my family because the emoji looks like it has dilated eyes.
Next, I got ready for bed and slept like a rock.
The following day, I went back to the doctor’s office, had my eyes dilated, and learned everything was fine. If my vision got worse, I would call the recommended retinal specialist.
I left the doctor with plastic shades over my glasses to protect my eyes from the sun.
As I walked back to my apartment mostly blind, I realized about a year ago I would have been petrified of the outcome. I would have worried throughout my professional event and would not have been able to sleep last night.
I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder my freshman year of college. I was constantly worried about my career, classes, health, and my general future in Washington, D.C. Overall, it affected all aspects of my life. Although I now have different support systems, I find myself not worrying too much anymore.
I will probably get an internship next semester.
Graduate school and eventually finding a job will work out.
I will pass the classes I need to get my undergraduate degree.
Walking back from the eye doctor, I learned I do not spend every second of my life worrying about everything anymore. I realized I have not stopped worrying. I have learned to postpone it until it becomes useful.
First, I went to my professional event.
Then I went to sleep.
The next day, I returned to the eye doctor.
Only then did I let myself worry.
Even six months ago, I would have done those steps in reverse.
I allowed myself to worry only when it was necessary and it made the 18 hours between appointments run smoothly.
I did not become fearless. I learned uncertainty does not deserve every minute between now and the answer.
Filed Stories are the personal essays of Maggie Rhoads. On this Substack, she does not represent the opinions or stances of her past, present, or future employers and organizations which she is a member of.
